If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Worst perfume name ever.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.