@BlackJerms

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

@BlackJerms

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

@BlackJerms

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

@BlackJerms

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

@BlackJerms

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

@BlackJerms

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

@BlackJerms

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created