Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
So what do you think?
* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created