My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Dear Lord..
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Welcome
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower