A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.