馃槀馃槀
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I鈥檇 love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Yup
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they鈥檙e like this is elfie, my elf
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so鈥hanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 馃槺
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
of course i鈥檓 gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what鈥檚 the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that鈥檚 impractical, i would look like a fool
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum鈥檚 life with his trombone.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I鈥檓 starting to lose hope
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair