Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
m’lady
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off