[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.