Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?