I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”