“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Good boy 😂😂
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen