My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time