Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BlindChow's best tweets

@BlindChow : GOD: u wanna go back to earth? JESUS: why GOD: to absolve man of sin JESUS: ehh GOD: you'd get two birthdays JESUS: let me get my coat

@BlindChow: My sports team is better than your sports team!
"Is not!"
Is too!
"IS NOT!"
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

@BlindChow: me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

@BlindChow: Our sport needs a name
"Does it use a ball?"
No it's more of an oblon–
"Do u move it with ur foot?"
No it's mostly thro–
"Football"
Perfect!

@BlindChow: singer at concert: *says name of city we're in*

me: that's the name of the city we're in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

@BlindChow: WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can't be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he's right

@BlindChow: One plain pizza plz
"Ok, one cheese pizza"
No cheese
"Um ok, sauce only"
No sauce
"But that's just crust"
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

@BlindChow: [football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@BlindChow: [performance review]
boss: from now on you're getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn't mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

@BlindChow: [crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*