GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
GOD: to absolve man of sin
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My sports team is better than your sports team!
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
“Um ok, sauce only”
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*