“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
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[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me working on my assignments ^-^
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not