[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women