I don’t hold grudges.
-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.
“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.
*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*
I know this now.
*guy about to invent Keto*
Not buttery enough.
20 comes over, obviously she’s been crying.
M: *hugs her tight* Oh baby, have you and Jon been fighting?
20: *sniffles* No.
M: Then what’s wrong?
20: They’re taking “Friends” off Netflix and I’m sad.
M: So no one told you life was gonna be this way?
20: I’m going to Mom’s.
*First day in group therapy*
Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?
Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*
No, no I do not.
I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.