Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.