I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level