Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bluestmoon_'s best tweets

@bluestmoon_ : I'd rather blow up my house than clean it.

@Bluestmoon_: Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.

@Bluestmoon_: I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos

@Bluestmoon_: There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.

@Bluestmoon_: 78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don't notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

@Bluestmoon_: Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

@Bluestmoon_: Sorry I asked "why?" when you told me your baby's name.

@Bluestmoon_: When someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life, let them go.

I'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them, though.

@Bluestmoon_: I don't mean to brag, but I'm in my 30's and my bank account makes me look 21.