Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.
I’d rather blow up my house than clean it.
Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.
I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos
There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.
*Washes off eyeliner*
Ok, weigh me now.
78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.
Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.
Sorry I asked “why?” when you told me your baby’s name.
When someone shows you they don’t want to be a part of your life, let them go.
I’m not saying you can’t make a voodoo doll of them, though.