Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it