Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Uh oh…
#oldknees
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
OH. COME. ON.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.