We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Worlds greatest photobomb
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.