I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.