Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.