“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around
Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”