@Bob_Heller

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

@Bob_Heller

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

@Bob_Heller

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

@Bob_Heller

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@Bob_Heller

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

@Bob_Heller

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance