Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
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There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you