@Bob_Janke

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

@Bob_Janke

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

@Bob_Janke

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

@Bob_Janke

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

@Bob_Janke

Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.

@Bob_Janke

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

@Bob_Janke

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

@Bob_Janke

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

@Bob_Janke

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

@Bob_Janke

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what