@Bob_Janke

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

@Bob_Janke

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

@Bob_Janke

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

@Bob_Janke

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

@Bob_Janke

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

@Bob_Janke

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

@Bob_Janke

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

@Bob_Janke

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.