I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what