Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Bob_Janke's best tweets

@Bob_Janke : Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

@Bob_Janke: if I'm wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

@Bob_Janke: If you're ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

@Bob_Janke: There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

@Bob_Janke: stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can't just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i'm working on it.

@Bob_Janke: 700 people a year die falling down stairs that's why my house only has slides

@Bob_Janke: when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

@Bob_Janke: If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything - Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed - Me.

@Bob_Janke: [teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@Bob_Janke: Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don't have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.