If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out