In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.