You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.