Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
You Might Also Like
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down