Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.