@BonaFideIntent

HR:
Me:
HR:
Me:
HR:..87. Karen has lost 87 PERCENT VISION..
Me:
HR:
Me:..she looked at my cheese stick..
HR:
Me:
HR:
Me: *eats cheese stick*

@BonaFideIntent

HR:
Me:
HR:
Me:
HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me:
HR:
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
HR:
Me:
HR:
Me: *eats twizzler*

@BonaFideIntent

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

@BonaFideIntent

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

@BonaFideIntent

I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

@BonaFideIntent

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

@BonaFideIntent

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

@BonaFideIntent

Me: LARGE FRY!

McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW

Me: I WILL CUT YOU!

*sirens*

@BonaFideIntent

Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She’s being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I’m holding has a more frightened expression