HR: "..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane's forehead..."
Me: "..it was the last twizzler"
Me: *eats twizzler*
@BonaFideIntent: Me: I won't be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
@BonaFideIntent: Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
"I was born once. Pickles."
"Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."
@BonaFideIntent: I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
@BonaFideIntent: Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
@BonaFideIntent: Daily 'Facts About CHEESE'
Fact About Cheese #3:
"String Cheese. Is not made of string."
@BonaFideIntent: I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
@BonaFideIntent: Me: I HAD A VISION! I was a GARDEN GNOME & I was ridding a FLAMINGO & the FAIRIES sprinkled cocaine on me & I FLIED!!
My Therapist: .....
@BonaFideIntent: Me: LARGE FRY!
McDonald's Manager: Ma'am, you can't use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW
Me: I WILL CUT YOU!