I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
This story is comedy gold 😂
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!