@BoogTweets

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

@BoogTweets

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

@BoogTweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

@BoogTweets

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

@BoogTweets

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

@BoogTweets

Me: What do you give the girl that has everything

My Mom: Penicillin

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

@BoogTweets

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

@BoogTweets

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.