ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
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Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke