Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: I really think we should hide the body
Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?