@BoogTweets

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

@BoogTweets

Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

@BoogTweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

@BoogTweets

Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works

@BoogTweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

@BoogTweets

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

@BoogTweets

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

@BoogTweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?