*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I wish this was real life…
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.