Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?