Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.