Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
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I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
pep talk
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.