My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*