
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*