If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
There is no “we” in pizza
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.