If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
You Might Also Like
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
…u ok Nintendo?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
o shit
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.