I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
You Might Also Like
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.