People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall