They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.