Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
wow
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
meanwhile over on facebook
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.