Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o