Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@BoomBoomBetty: I'm alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I'll be 3 hours late for work.

@BoomBoomBetty: Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

@BoomBoomBetty: Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

@BoomBoomBetty: Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@BoomBoomBetty: I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.

Related fact: marijuana warps time perception

@BoomBoomBetty: The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

@BoomBoomBetty: The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

@BoomBoomBetty: Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@BoomBoomBetty: Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire