The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?
Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.