@BoomBoomBetty: Goodnight moon.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
@BoomBoomBetty: I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
@BoomBoomBetty: My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
@BoomBoomBetty: My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?
Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
@BoomBoomBetty: The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
@BoomBoomBetty: Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
@BoomBoomBetty: My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
@BoomBoomBetty: Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.