Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of BoomBoomBetty's best tweets

@BoomBoomBetty : [twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

@BoomBoomBetty: Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

@BoomBoomBetty: Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@BoomBoomBetty: I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

@BoomBoomBetty: My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

@BoomBoomBetty: My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

@BoomBoomBetty: The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

@BoomBoomBetty: Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

@BoomBoomBetty: My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

@BoomBoomBetty: Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.