date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
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Denise please return my vape pen
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Ghost costume 😂
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex