@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]

@BoozeWallet

[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics

@BoozeWallet

*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*

@BoozeWallet

MOM: always open the door for a lady
[later on date]
ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming

@BoozeWallet

I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.

@BoozeWallet

[at gym]

me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]

cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying

@BoozeWallet

[Mesozoic era]

God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct

Jellyfish: seems fair

Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit