Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I was bored.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.