There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying