What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*